Clothing Rant

So...what's with the clothing adaptation?

I just got a bunch of Spring/Summer clothes for work and shul.

Then someone, a guy, told me that I may have to follow my community's norms. Which don't have much wiggle room, since there are the 60 plusers, all in sheitels, in older-lady clothing, and then you have the school-age girls (middle and high school), who are always in long-sleeves and long skirts when I see them on Shabbos, and then me.

I should add to this that there are no girls my age in my community. I mean, they *were* there a few months back, but I haven't seen any of them for about a month. Which brings me to my next thing: Can I be friends with the guys at shul I talk to on a regular basis? (Regular basis being at Shala Shoedas). #1 is engaged, #2 is Single, #3 likes one of the girls I haven't seen in a month, and I haven't seen #4 in about a month.

I mean, I spoke to 1 and 2 motzei Shabbos, but I'm fairly certain I can't randomly call them up to say, "Hey, let's grab a coffee!" or just hang out. And I'm fine with that. It's better to hang out with people in groups.

I'm kinda' stuck! I mean, all of the ladies I've met, and told I'm converting, have been wonderful. Fantastic even! But there's a *huge* gap between them (all of whom have children between 3 and 21, collectively) and their school-age girls, the 60+-ers, the young marrieds (of which there are only a few), and me. At least clothing wise.

The youngest married ladies are early-mid 20s to 30s, but they're married. And/or expecting. All of us have different jobs-slash-careers, so our clothing is different. And that everyone is not on the same place on the Orthodoxy spectrum.

How can I be expected to somewhat...what's the word...adhere to community standards if all of the above-mentioned women (women in their 40s, over 60s, 20s+30s, rabbi's wife, scientists, interpreters, me) dress differently (different skirt lengths, different sleeve lengths, different sheitel lengths, [if they wear a sheitel], different stockings, and if they wear skirts, even.

What am I supposed to do?

A few weeks back, when I met with the Gadol Hador, he told me what the Halacha is. So now, how do I spot the difference between Halacha, Minchag, and Chumra, in the community I'm in? I don't want to re-Frum-out only for shul. That wouldn't be me. And that would be a complete waste of my tax refund money. Since I spent it on Spring/Summer clothes as I have none.

Ugh, what a mess!

Mamish Pesach drama!

But is currently getting sorted, Baruch Hashem!!

Reactions Take 1

So, since my LOR wanted me to tell families in the community that I'm converting, I've started, slowly, begrudgingly, to do just that.

Although, since the few I've told so far, they didn't seem fazed by it. And all were fine with it.

I figured that my real 'test' was to be this past Shabbos. See, before - well, over the past few weeks - when I've told the first bunch, who are those who invited me to meals first, they've been fine with it.

So this Shabbos, my plan was to tell this family (whom I was over to once, a few weeks ago, after lunch, to just hang out and chit chat), and have it be nonchalantly, should it (more often than not) come up over the course of conversation.





It didn't quite happen like that.

The head of the household said Kiddush, then proceeds to hand out the cups. Yeah...I know about the wine thing, even though I don't drink, but I wasn't sure if I could touch the K. cups...I pass them along, and then wait for conversations to die out, so the husband can go wash.

Note: I know I refer to the husband twice in the above sentences, but of the one time I was previously over, I spoke with him more than his wife.

Anyhow, I asked him if I could speak to him for a sec before washing, and he says sure (of course, a bit more formally since I don't really know him that well).

So, since I have no other option here, I just sorta' say, y'know, "I was hoping to have this come up in conversation, but I just wanted to tell you that I'm converting with the Gadol Hador."

Him, with amused look on his face: Okay. I know.

Me, completely bewildered-doing-a-double-take: You *know*? [Inside this is my reaction: :-o :-o]. Did Mrs. X tell you?

Him: No. She knows?

Me: Yes, I told her a couple weeks ago.

Him: So, when will you be finished?

Me: I don't know. Everyone's different.

Then we washed, and all of us had lunch, but I didn't see him again. HOW DID HE KNOW?

:-o

I *so* wanted to talk to him about it!

I mean, hey, I was calm, I didn't get upset. I was proud of myself for that.

But how did he know?

I'm stymied...

The next people I told live next to Mrs. X. They asked me, "Why are you converting? Do you know Hebrew? When will you be done?"

We had a nice conversation/dialogue about it. Which had more questions for me to ask the GH.

Now, had I been more comfortable talking about this 2 weeks ago, and not so freaking out so much about it, I would have done the following for a Purim costume:
Made a sign or something that says, "NO, I DON'T KNOW WHEN I'LL BE DONE. CALL GH WITH YOUR QUESTIONS.!!"

Maybe not all in caps, but you get the idea


PS: When I first arrived for lunch, a group of us were sitting around the kitchen table, and somehow -- oh, that's right, it was one of the ladies' birthday -- and so, we went around telling when our birthday's are. My turn. I said I should have been born around Thanksgiving. And then the whole preemi story came out. Came out before I told the husband I'm converting. So I'm sure his head is spinning with all he learned about me in the first hour I was over at his house.



2 quotes came to mind just before the weekend: "Resist is futile" and "Be aggressive, be be aggressive [a teeny bit]"

So, I have no idea what's gonna happen next with all of this. But I'll be prepared for it.

http://finkorswim.com/2012/02/07/an-atheist-who-loves-orthodox-jews/

Gur Hasids and Sexual Separation

http://www.haaretz.com/weekend/week-s-end/gur-hasidim-and-sexual-separation-1.410811

Questions for rabbis

I started a Word doc to keep track of the rest of my rabbi questions:

Reading Lamm's "The Jewish Way in Love & Marriage"..I came up with the following:

1.) "The dowry is distinct from property or possessions that the bride owns and continues to own privately throughout marriage...The bride's private property, called nikhsei melog, is given outright to the bride, the husband enjoying only the "fruit" (usufruct) during marriage. It is not part of the dowry and is not included in the ketubah."

So..the dowry doesn't include everything I have or have bought before the wedding? This 'private property' (which = what, exactly?) is given to me, which the husband enjoys throughout the marriage.

2.) What does 100 pieces of Silver = today? What about 200 pieces of Silver? Why not just a solid bar of Gold? Or a set amount of money? What happens if a Hungarian marries an Italian? Do they pay in one or both currencies? Or US dollars?

3.) ("This ketubah de'irkhesa is required, even today, for everyone who has misplaced or lost the original ketubah.")

Can you have 2 Ketubas? Like, have one framed at home, and then a duplicate in a safety deposit box, just in case the one at home gets destroyed?

4.) How complicated IS a Ketubah for converts? "The ketubah is a very complicated document, especially for widows, converts, and divorcees." Why? How so?

4A.) Perhaps because they get paid a different amount of money than never-married virgins?

4B.) Converts are considered to be non-virgins, because it is assumed by the Gemara that they had sexual intercourse during their time as non-Jews. And the law is stuck like that. That is why converts cannot marry kohanim.

Why does Halacha assume that all converts have had sex?

"trust the alleged parentage of a convert" - If I said my mother's Jewish I wouldn 't be converting. Why would something like that be lied about?

A friend's response to that:

The Talmud indeed says that if a person admits to something we would not have known otherwise, then we trust them, because they could have just lied. For example, the Talmud says, if a woman tells us that she WAS married BUT got divorced, then we trust her that her divorce is kosher, without proof, because she could have just lied and told us she has never been married. The Talmud's logic is, if you trust the person on one count, you must trust them completely, and if you do not trust them, then you must completely not trust them. So I wonder, why cannot we say that here? I.e., either we trust you when you tell us your mother is not Jewish, and so we should also trust you when you say you're virgin, or else, if we do not trust you about your virginity, then we should not trust you when you tell us about your mother.

either you lie about everything, or you tell the truth about everything. We either trust you or we don't. Either we trust you about both your mother and your virginity, or we distrust you about
both. We cannot pick and choose. Either you are telling the truth both when you say your mother is a gentile and that you are a virgin, or else you are lying about both. So I'm not sure why we do NOT say that, about converts, vis a vis virginity and marrying kohanim.

Today, You can’t even determine who is and is not a virgin.

Why does it matter if the woman is one or not? I can see why it mattered in ancient times, but today, there seems to be no reason.

5.) What about secular wedding ceremony traditions (father-daughter dance) - can they be incorporated somehow into a Jewish wedding? It's my dad, after all. And MUST my wedding dress be white? What's if it's slightly not?

6.) What is the difference between ha-adam and ha-adama (aside from one being a bracha)?

If my birthday is within the 3 weeks, how can I celebrate?

Before, says the rabbi. But after talking about it with a friend, I think I'll have a few friends over after the 3 weeks; maybe order Italian for it, or maybe just go to the restaurant, despite it being across town! :-)

Which brings me to questions about the 3 weeks:

-not allowed to shave.

I work in an office, wear stockings every day, and can't NOT shave. I'm not going to wear opaque black stockings for pretty much the entirety of July, I'm sorry. And as I don't wear trousers, not shaving is not negotiable.

and one about the 9 Days:

-refrain from wearing newly laundered garments, or laundering any clothes.

I can do all my laundry before the 9 days start, so I'll have clothes for work before and after.

I

I

Kohanim and Converts

This week, I found out why Kohanim can't marry Converts. It's because everyone assumes that converts must have slept around before converting, and as a result, are off limits to Kohanim.

I find this ridiculous! I can see why it mattered in ancient times, but today... no. Emailing about this with a friend, he said it's "awfully forward and brazen of me to say" that I haven't had sex. Wouldn't it be *more* so to say I have?

I mentioned this whole thing to the Mora d'Asra this week, one I'm comfortable around, and he said that that's another thing to let a Shadchan know (whenever I get to that point, that is). Just because someone is a BT, or a Convert, doesn't meant they've had the same experiences. As he put it, 'a party boy who found G-d after throwing up who knows how much liquor,' probably isn't going to be a match for a bookworm who hung out in the library.

He actually knows a guy like me, and whenever I'm done with this process, depending on the guy's age, academic background, and level of attraction, I'd be interested.