http://finkorswim.com/2012/02/07/an-atheist-who-loves-orthodox-jews/

Gur Hasids and Sexual Separation

http://www.haaretz.com/weekend/week-s-end/gur-hasidim-and-sexual-separation-1.410811

Questions for rabbis

I started a Word doc to keep track of the rest of my rabbi questions:

Reading Lamm's "The Jewish Way in Love & Marriage"..I came up with the following:

1.) "The dowry is distinct from property or possessions that the bride owns and continues to own privately throughout marriage...The bride's private property, called nikhsei melog, is given outright to the bride, the husband enjoying only the "fruit" (usufruct) during marriage. It is not part of the dowry and is not included in the ketubah."

So..the dowry doesn't include everything I have or have bought before the wedding? This 'private property' (which = what, exactly?) is given to me, which the husband enjoys throughout the marriage.

2.) What does 100 pieces of Silver = today? What about 200 pieces of Silver? Why not just a solid bar of Gold? Or a set amount of money? What happens if a Hungarian marries an Italian? Do they pay in one or both currencies? Or US dollars?

3.) ("This ketubah de'irkhesa is required, even today, for everyone who has misplaced or lost the original ketubah.")

Can you have 2 Ketubas? Like, have one framed at home, and then a duplicate in a safety deposit box, just in case the one at home gets destroyed?

4.) How complicated IS a Ketubah for converts? "The ketubah is a very complicated document, especially for widows, converts, and divorcees." Why? How so?

4A.) Perhaps because they get paid a different amount of money than never-married virgins?

4B.) Converts are considered to be non-virgins, because it is assumed by the Gemara that they had sexual intercourse during their time as non-Jews. And the law is stuck like that. That is why converts cannot marry kohanim.

Why does Halacha assume that all converts have had sex?

"trust the alleged parentage of a convert" - If I said my mother's Jewish I wouldn 't be converting. Why would something like that be lied about?

A friend's response to that:

The Talmud indeed says that if a person admits to something we would not have known otherwise, then we trust them, because they could have just lied. For example, the Talmud says, if a woman tells us that she WAS married BUT got divorced, then we trust her that her divorce is kosher, without proof, because she could have just lied and told us she has never been married. The Talmud's logic is, if you trust the person on one count, you must trust them completely, and if you do not trust them, then you must completely not trust them. So I wonder, why cannot we say that here? I.e., either we trust you when you tell us your mother is not Jewish, and so we should also trust you when you say you're virgin, or else, if we do not trust you about your virginity, then we should not trust you when you tell us about your mother.

either you lie about everything, or you tell the truth about everything. We either trust you or we don't. Either we trust you about both your mother and your virginity, or we distrust you about
both. We cannot pick and choose. Either you are telling the truth both when you say your mother is a gentile and that you are a virgin, or else you are lying about both. So I'm not sure why we do NOT say that, about converts, vis a vis virginity and marrying kohanim.

Today, You can’t even determine who is and is not a virgin.

Why does it matter if the woman is one or not? I can see why it mattered in ancient times, but today, there seems to be no reason.

5.) What about secular wedding ceremony traditions (father-daughter dance) - can they be incorporated somehow into a Jewish wedding? It's my dad, after all. And MUST my wedding dress be white? What's if it's slightly not?

6.) What is the difference between ha-adam and ha-adama (aside from one being a bracha)?

If my birthday is within the 3 weeks, how can I celebrate?

Before, says the rabbi. But after talking about it with a friend, I think I'll have a few friends over after the 3 weeks; maybe order Italian for it, or maybe just go to the restaurant, despite it being across town! :-)

Which brings me to questions about the 3 weeks:

-not allowed to shave.

I work in an office, wear stockings every day, and can't NOT shave. I'm not going to wear opaque black stockings for pretty much the entirety of July, I'm sorry. And as I don't wear trousers, not shaving is not negotiable.

and one about the 9 Days:

-refrain from wearing newly laundered garments, or laundering any clothes.

I can do all my laundry before the 9 days start, so I'll have clothes for work before and after.

I

I

Kohanim and Converts

This week, I found out why Kohanim can't marry Converts. It's because everyone assumes that converts must have slept around before converting, and as a result, are off limits to Kohanim.

I find this ridiculous! I can see why it mattered in ancient times, but today... no. Emailing about this with a friend, he said it's "awfully forward and brazen of me to say" that I haven't had sex. Wouldn't it be *more* so to say I have?

I mentioned this whole thing to a rabbi this week, one I'm comfortable around, and he said that that's another thing to let a Shadchan know (whenever I get to that point, that is). Just because someone is a BT, or a Convert, doesn't meant they've had the same experiences. As he put it, 'a party boy who found G-d after throwing up who knows how much liquor,' probably isn't going to be a match for a bookworm who hung out in the library.

He actually knows a guy like me, and whenever I'm done with this process, depending on the guy's age, academic background, and level of attraction, I'd be interested.

Meeting

My meeting with my new rabbi was fine.

Once I started telling him about me, I was less nervous. He was okay with me, too, and is fine with keeping things quiet. He surprised me though, by telling me that there are 10 converts in the community.

:-o Whoa! I don't know what I was expecting, but it sure wasn't that! :-p :-)

He offered to introduce me to the ladies, so I can spend Shabbos with them and see what they do, but I told him I'd think about it. If he tells them, I can't control who they would or wouldn't tell.

I told him what I know/do (Kosher, Shabbos Davening, Tznius, Shabbos [2 in-a-row now, except for 1 thing]), and what I need to work on (after bracha davening, weekly davening). I told him how I know about TH, and plan to wear a sheitel, and that I love that TH is his background! He seemed to like that, 'cause he smiled and laughed a bit when I said it.

I told him who the rabbis were where I lived before, and how I got in touch with the local Bais Din (Thank you, JewInTheCity! <3 ), and then how I came to his community.

He also asked me about my family, and their take on my frumming out a few years ago, and that my parents are split on the issue (aside from each other), though my mom's better about it than my dad and his side of the family. He also asked my age (27), and I said that, while I'm Shomer, even if I could date someone right now, there's no one TO date, 'cause I'm not interested in anyone.

I'm so glad he's nice, and that he's willing to keep my converting quiet. I told him how I see myself as a BT, because I've been doing a lot for awhile now. When he asked me if there's anything I don't like, I told him it drives me crazy when people talk to me as if I don't know anything!

He said we could meet every few weeks to go over Shabbos and Halacha questions, and I could get to know his wife. I'd like to. I guess now all there is to do is hit the books, and keep taking down questions! :-)

Shavua Tov!

Rabbi Meeting

My cool rabbi, who is only a few years older than me, is my go-to for questions/how I'm feeling with things. After telling him about Shabbos, he feels that this whole thing could get bad, since no one knows my status except for my room mate (and I asked her not to say anything to anyone). However, she thinks that people finding out in May about my status would be weird.

Cool rabbi said to call the rabbi who's Head of the Beis Din, and ask him about it (or just firm up who my sponsoring rabbi is, and who I'll be studying with on a regular basis). I called him motzei Shabbos, but haven't heard back yet.

Yes, this could get bad, but it might not.

Pretend for a second I work for the CIA or MOSSAD's Kidon. Who I work for is no one's business. I'm not obligated to tell anyone, and why should they want to know. My Jewish background, and current status, is no one's business except mine, and those select few directly involved, or who I choose to tell about it. Converting should be the same way.

Moved In and Settling

I'm all moved in and am settling in, and this past Shabbos was not without its merits.

Let's start with Friday night. Friends of my roommate who also live in my building invited me for dinner. I heard that a family was coming as well. After a knock on the door, the family comes in. I recognized one of the girls from 3 years ago, and didn't know she was in the area. We were a bit shocked to see each other. I later found out that she, like everyone else in the room, goes to the Liberal Orthodox shul. I found this out after dinner when saying good-bye. She said she would see me tomorrow in shul, but I just smiled and said, "Oh, I'm going to [Yeshivish shul].'

DEAD SILENCE FOR 3 SECONDS.

Great.

I hung around a bit more, before walking downstairs to my place.

The next morning, I get up, have some cholent for breakfast since I stirred it, and then went off to shul.

Each week, I meet more and more of the ladies. Which is fine. I'm sorta' glad about my status, because this is the 2nd week that one of the men tells me he's single.

o_O

Nevermind that he's in his 40s, AND had his girlfriend? or just a close female friend? right next to us when he said it.

So, he introduces me to this rocket scientist ( I kid you not), and then to this couple who invite me to lunch. I'm really torn at this point, since all I want to do is to go home, hang out in my pjs, and read all afternoon while noshing on the cholent that I made for the first time in 3 years, which came out pretty good, if I do say so myself.

But no, I was polite and accepted the couple's lunch invitation. Their lunch was fantastic. I'm glad I went. Except for one thing: someone asked me my Hebrew name and I said I didn't have one.

DEAD SILENCE for 3 seconds.

sigh

After lunch, Guy-who-told-me-he's-single offered to walk me back towards Shul so I could figure out how to get home. On the way, what does do? Re-asks me, or confirms? my lack of having a Jewish name. I tell him that's true, because I was raised in an unobservant household. He seemed satisfied with this, and doesn't any more questions.

However, he uses us walking to tell me about himself. As in, more information that I would have liked to know after meeting someone 2 hours ago. Like the fact that he apologized for kinda' pushing the lunch invite, even though I made lunch for myself. His reasoning for my wanting to have lunch alone, was that I must have just come out of a 2 year relationship with a non-Jew (which was his reasoning for eating alone for more than a few weeks, and recently from what I could tell). He said that many in the community shunned them, or were only comfortable going to a few houses. The girl had no intention of converting, and they broke up.


I have no idea what is going to happen over the coming weeks. At shul, the rabbi and his wife invited me over for lunch at some point, and I already have plans to go to someone's for lunch this week, so I have no idea when I'll get over to the Rabbi's house. I kinda' feel obligated to tell him, but then again I don't.