Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Frum Girl Rhodes Scholar


Monday, November 28, 2011


I know I'm not supposed to date. Anyone. People are and do but that's a whole nother issue for a different day.

I'm puzzled over the below situation:

I met up with a language friend motzei Shabbos. He (let's call him M.) and I study less-commonly taught languages, and have lived and worked in the countries we've focused on in school. He's vegetarian, and seems to want to to make an effort to go to kosher restaurants so that I can have "real food" instead of just coffee or doughnuts. Aside from him being 21, and looking older, (and me 27, but looking early 20s), is that while he identifies and was raised as Lutheran (ELCA), his mother is in fact, Jewish. But he doesn't know a thing about Judaism.

We have plans to hang out again, and tentative plans to go to operas and ballets in the winter (which are black tie).

I figure there are 2 options if we were to date:

1.) Stop converting and date him. Yes, his mother's Jewish, but he was raised Christian, so really, it would be just 2 people dating.

2.) Stay friends, or maybe try to date. My converting might be the thing that shows him the beauty of Judaism so he would become more interested in it.

3.) How freaking crazy is it that I would have to convert to date him, even if he's extremely secular by Jewish standards...

So, between this and my last post, there's a huge shortage of eligible guys.

My only options are men my father's age (who are definitely out!), or guys in their early to mid 20s, and not Jewish, but who are fine with how I live my life.

Then again, reading Skylar's blog:

"Similarly, if your new partner isn't orthodox but you're in the orthodox conversion process, that is enough to derail your conversion for "not being serious." Many people approach the conversion process because they're dating a nonobservant Jew, but the nonobservant Jew normally studies to become observant as you study to convert. If you begin dating a nonobservant Jew after you've started your process, the rabbis don't expect that the other person will begin becoming observant but will actually draw your observance back."

I've never compromised my standards for anyone, with kosher food or otherwise. Friends have told me that I've been picky when it comes to guys, but then add this whole Jewish thing I'm into, and you have a twice as complicated situation.

But then I saw this, also on the Crazy Jewish Convert blog (don't remember the post otherwise I'd include the link for you):

1.) Don't date your former bf, and stay in the process.

M. and I haven't dated but what if I have that option? I'd be interested, even despite our age difference.

Another thing is that when my conversion is complete, I'm not going to be married within a year or 2. Okay, I mean, even if that *does* happen, I don't know if I want children. Soon after getting married or at all. I'm looking to start my career, not stay at home and have 4 kids in the next 7 years.

My background is a specific skill set, mostly comprising less-commonly taught languages, but history and politics as well. I also love to travel. I don't think my "wanderlust" has gone away since I've gotten back to the US, but I do want to continue to travel. Constantly moving, on the other hand, is something that's started to tire me. I want to live in one place for a set amount of time, and not have to move across the country, or take a trans-Atlantic flight to get home.

How am I to find a guy that meets all of the above? Those won't be compromised either. I don't see myself living in Teaneck or Passaic, even though I prefer that type of shul, but am firmly in the Modern world with my academic background and interests.

Browsing Aish, I found the following link:

and in particular this short list:

"There are three basic ways we connect with another person:

  1. chemistry and compatibility
  2. share common interests
  3. share common life goal"

the second half of 1. and all of 2. are there. If it gets to the point where 1. is completely checked off, then I don't know what decision I would make.

Talking with male classmates in undergrad, traits 1 and 2 have always been there, but the difference would be with religion, so we remained friends and didn't try to date.

Now, with M., is the exact same situation.

How frustrating!

Shuls + Dating Ages = Horribly Bad Shidduch Crisis

The city I work in has a Modern Orthodox shul, where the married ladies wear short-sleeved dresses with hems above the knee, or tight skirts, and hats or tichels where you can still see their hair.

That area is expensive to live in, so I'm moving to an area with 2 Orthodox shuls (one extremely liberal Modern Orthodox; the 2nd decidedly Black Hat). The commute to work is longer but oh well.

There's also a third shul, which is less Black Hat but still Right-Wing Orthodox.

I like Shuls 2 and 3 the best. I spent shabbos at all 3 shuls and prefer the Black Hat shul. Except for the fact that a man older than my father asked me out for a date! :-o

I went to the liberal MO shul as well, just to give it a try, and was leered at and was said hello to, by another older man old enough to be my father. ::head desk::

Where are all the guys my age???????????????????!

Answer: Married.

Back in US

Dear all,

I know I haven't been updating, so here's a nutshell recap:

I'm back in the US and have formally started the conversion process with my local Beis Din.