Half-Jew Post

Catching up on blogging since it's midterm week, I found a post - parts of it anyway - on Material Maidel's blog that describes me, at least, pseudo-halachically, to a tee:
http://materialmaidel.blogspot.com/2009/02/hating-half-jew.html

"A Half Jew, one who has only one parent who is Jewish, most often a father, has a unique identity... a Half Jew may be much more aware of what being Jewish means than most of us who conveniently were born into the faith. While knowledge is not enough for inclusion in our tribe, an overwhelming amount of children born to Jews today are not Jewish according to Halacha."

I am one of those who definitely know what its like to be "much more aware of what being Jewish means..." People I see at Hillel here, they don't do anything Shabbos-dik after Friday night dinner. They come to Hillel, for services and dinner (or just one or the other); dressed like they're going to a club! Which may very well be the case since we're at this major university in the midwest. It was on the national rankings for parties, best this, best that; I have even seen ads in the school paper, that lets everyone know when Playboy is coming to look for new 'talent.' Nevermind that the school is fantastic for anything academically-unusual you want to do, but most people don't care about the academics here. 'Least the undergrads. Luckily, I'm not in that bracket, but would have loved to go here for grad school. Too bad it didn't work out. But back to the original topic here.

I know that, what I consider myself is disliked by the minority. I am willing to follow halacha but I don't feel I should have to convert. I do more, or try to, anyhow; and know more, then MOST of the people at Hillel. Why doesn't the Israeli Rabbinate make a law that says that people-born-Jewish-but-don't-do-anything should have to convert before they can do anything, too?!

Seems like I can't win with this. I'm fighting something that I don't wan --that I'm tired of fighting. This needs to stop. I want it to stop before I end up someplace new in August. I don't want this to follow me. Unless the rabbis have already saved me that trouble, of course.

However, if there are indeed "an overwhelming amount of children born to Jews today are not Jewish according to Halacha," maybe all I need to do is find one. We'd both consider ourselves Jewish; he might have to be open to the idea of a sheitel and Taharat Hamishpacha, but that would be something to get used to, no pun intended.
Know anyone like this? Please e-mail me if you do, it would be much appreciated.

New path?

Well, it's been awhile since I've blogged, to say the least.

(Since I can't remember if I've written about this before, and I may repeat myself, but), I've decided that this whole Jewish thing is nobody's business but mine. If you find out and you don't like it, too bad for you! Don't be friends with me! Simple as that. I don't want to know you if you think like that.

In case you're just finding my blog for the first time, here's a re-cap:

In August 2007, when I first moved to a major university to further this less-commonly taught language I'm into, I first went to the religious-establishment-catering-to-Jewish-students-on-campus. However, I later found out that the Rabbi did not want me at his Shabbos table until I brought him paperwork from a Rabbinic Authority confirming, or, re-affirming, my Jewishness as defined by Halacha.

Last I checked, the goal of this religious-establishment-catering -to-Jewish-students-on campus is to engage them, make them feel at home. Unless I'm mistaken, and this is a newly-instated policy, being told--through my rabbi 300 miles away no-less, when rabbi in question had lived 1 block from me-- that my Jewishness is not valid, why not tell me to my face instead of beating around the bush?! Time was spent tracking down my rabbi, having him phone me to tell me I was not wanted, when it would have been easier to tell me in person, since we're in the same city...

Curiously enough, I have another story about this rabbi. I found it strange and I haven't been able to find the logic behind it. Maybe you can help.

Before I was told not to come back, I remember one Shabbos in particular when I was talking to his children. One of them told me that their father helps drunk college students late at night. That he lets them sleep over in the religious establishment sometimes. What message does that send to the children? That it is okay to help random people, strangers, too drunk to get home on their own, on the off chance that they might be Jewish, but it is perfectly fine to shun people who want to belong? When you figure that one out, please tell me.

I also found out later that some of the Orthodox students attending the center were told of my situation, as well as other students who were asked not to come to dinner until their 'status' was verified. The Hillel rabbi told me to assume the first would make my situation known. But having that said that didn't make it any easier when it actually happened. And now everyone affiliated with any of the 3 knows because the rabbis have to make it known to everyone that there's a girl in town who's not halachically Jewish! Watch out! She's out to get with as many Jewish guys as possible! That was sarcasm, by the way.

That, plus in September 2008 the AISH rabbi and I sat down and had a chat. He told me that I can be friends with the Hillel guys, but I can't date them. I told him that I wasn't interested in dating anyone since I would only be here through May 2009, and to go through everything again is not something I would want to do again.

Besides, it's March, and I have my plate full right now, what with inquiring about how to apply horrendously-late to UK grad programs, on top of class and a busy work schedule! During a google search for field-specific programs, I found 2 schools in the UK that may be worth looking into (as I'll explain in a few paragraphs): University of Glasgow and University of College London.

I had sent general inquiries to secretaries at both schools and wasn't expecting a response. Well, what I received was the exact opposite! First, I received an email from one of the professors at Glasgow, who said that they would like to consider my application and asked if I would send a detailed CV. Then, in London, after emailing the departmental secretary and the independent study language coordinator, I received emails from an Admissions Official, plus a professor from the department who I could study with to do the independent studies! He wanted to know which tracks I'm interested in, and I sent him my CV too. If would be fantastic if one of the three schools: University of Glasgow, University College London, or University of Toronto, works out for me. I'd get to specialize in ethnic and minority studies how I want, and actually be able to work with a professor on them while pursuing an MA/MRes/MSc in a broader Eastern European Studies program. If one of the UK schools worked out, I could eventually get a job with an organization that focus on European ethnic and minority affairs. I could be a spokesperson for Liet Lavlut, or work at the European Court of Human Rights, The United Nations Commission on Human Rights (UNCHR), the Office of the High Commissioner for Human Rights (OHCHR), or try and get policy pushed through at the (European) Commission so minorities in the region can have a voice to their problems.

Now all I have to do is wait and see what happens for September. ::crosses fingers:: Here's hoping something works this time!

So, in conclusion, this is the current academic plan for my life. If the school I'm currently at doesn't want me because my GRE scores or my grades aren't up to their standards, that's fine. There are other programs who may not mind my scores thus far. Religiously however, I'm comfortable where I am right now, and know where I want to end up. I consider myself a BT. Yes, I know I don't count to the Orthodox, but if they don't like me, that's their business. Don't-make-an-announcement-to-the-local-communities-and-have-me-be-the-last-one-to-hear-that-said-announcement-happened and I'll be fine. I know myself, I know what I like and know what I want to do with my life. I just don't know the odds of finding a guy who will want to come along with me for the ride, both academically and with the Orthodox stuff, what with the whole sheitel thing and wanting to keep Taharat Hamishpacha. Oh, and being Shomer until I get there. 'Just have to wait and see, I suppose. -sigh-

PS: If the UK schools work out, I'd get a cool accent out of it, too! Plus get started on my EU residency! :-D I wonder how many guys would be up for living in Europe...

Browing Frum Satire's blog, I browsed his blog roll and found a blog belonging to A Frum Punk.
New to his blog, I skimmed headlines to see what he had written about and a headline caught my eye: http://frumpunk.wordpress.com/2008/11/27/negiah-and-tefillin-dates/
Reading it, I was surprised yet pleased to read that there is at least one guy out there who is completely shomer and does not want to "cross any lines" before marriage.

Yes I admit, I have gone back and forth about it (as well as being busy with school), but have realized that there will be a time for that. My focus now is on getting into grad school and getting started on a professional career. Guys will still be here after that happens.
Who knows? Perhaps FrumPunk and I could meet someday.

PS: Anyone know how you can create a facebook for your blog identity? I tried to make one and it doesn't want to accept my name...

Overwhemed

So it's mozei shabbos during Succos, and I thought I'd be able to relax a bit this weekend. Definitely NOT the case.

I just checked my email, and in addition to the week of readings I didn't print out while away for Yom Kippur, I now have to read articles on Byzantium for Tuesday, write a 2-page paper not in English due Monday, and work on a powerpoint due Thursday that is my midterm. Oh yeah, and did I mention being busy at work this week? So busy I'll only have about 2 hours/day to try and finish what I need to.

For those of you who keep up with this, exactly when should I go crazy?

Song That Desccribes Me Right Now

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eAjNVKtQHAY

"I'm A Bitch" by Alanis Morisette

I hate the world today
You're so good to me I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe I'm an angel underneath Innocent
and sweet
Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see the softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

[Chorus:]
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean
You'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that
When I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing

[Chorus]

Just when you think, you got me figured out
The season's already changing
I think it's cool, you do what you do
And don't try to save me

[Chorus]

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

Grad School Plans

I have a list of schools to apply to for next year (in no order whatsoever):

1. My current university (and hopefully they'll admit me next year!)

2. A university a few hours to the north in a city so Cosmopolitan, you would think you're in a completely different country! (::cough cough::)

3. A university in the capital of Country X

I spoke with the Graduate Director of School #2 and he wants me to apply already! LoL :-)
He seems really nice and wants me to come up and see the school and meet him. I told him that I have tentative plans to come up in the Spring for a language exam, and he said I didn't need it for his university. His program would not be country-specific, but rather a concentration on an area of Europe, and I can focus on Country X within that, taking literature, political science, history, etc. They have funding opportunities, too, which would be great if I would be eligble.

I'm torn between doing the Eastern Europe thing, and combining that with Ottoman History and Religion. I don't know if I can do that up there, but here it's definitely do-able. I'm going to ask him tomorrow; hopefully he'll be okay with my questions...

Until then!

Much Ado About Rosh Hashanah/Shabbos

I haven't written in a few weeks, (and it's been a hectic few weeks!), but with work, school, Rosh Hashanah, and getting my life in order for next year (or at least tentative plans for it) have kept me busy. Where should I start...?


How about with Rosh Hashanah/Shabbos:

Here at school I went to Hillel both days and met some cool people at dinner; one in particular who may know my Rabbi and his wife since he's from Omaha. That was cool Jewish geography for me; one of the best I think! The second day for lunch, R. invited me over.

Let me just say, I wasn't expecting our chat to progress as it did! I discovered a few things: That though she is more observant than most here, her way of thinking isn't the same as a rabbis, let's say. I thought she would have a problem with me, but she doesn't. I'm glad for that, but wish I would have known this last Fall! She and I have some things in common and plan to hang out during the school year.

I think, that because I was (and still am?) caught up in this whole situation still, I'm having trouble looking past what I initially see. Just beacuse someone is frum, doesn't mean their opinion is the same as everyone who is Orthodox. I felt ostracized, but I couldn't leave. The Observant crowd at Hillel that I run with (if you will) is how I identify, aside from a minor technicality. Most of the other students at Hillel, the girls anyhow, look me up and down in a rude way because I dress Orthodox: long(er) sleeves and floor-length skirts. I couldn't just leave, even though I wanted to. At the time (last year), I didn't know everyone in that crowd knew. I just found this out over Rosh Hashanah/Shabbos. Why am I the last to know?! It involves me; no one else. Seriously, WTF! No, you weren't seeing things, you read that correctly. Why were other people being told about me, but no one felt the need to tell me, until now, 1 year later??? WTF...

The second thing I found out was that there is someone who's in a worse situation than me, as far as this whole religion thing is concerned. I think it's worse anyhow, but I'm finding comfort in it, as it's helping me to come to terms with my own [is that horrible to say?]). I decided to tell people, albeit slowly, about my situation, and it is people I know and I trust. Or I think will be okay with it. Maybe they'll be okay with it like J., H., R., S., J., R., A., D., have been. I hope so. If not, I'll have to cut myself off completely from Hillel and the Shabbos Lunch Group. Maybe M. will be the next person to tell?

Of course, then there are the people who say they 'get it,' but look with glazed eyes pass me as I talk to them about it. Do you really "get it?" No. I don't think so. You will never understand what this, and the past year, has been like for me. You will never understand. R. gets it. S. gets it. J. does, I think. After this year I need to get out of this town. There will be be nothing to tie me to this town, except if I get admitted to grad school. Wouldn't that be ironic?

I also found out other information relating to the incident that happened last September over this past Shabbos. I'm trying to process and deal with it, but I think that will take awhile. Luckily I have work to make me forget I have anything else going on! As upset as I was/am? with J., I should thank him for talking to me about it. He apologized for telling everyone (in the observant crowd) about me, but he said the rabbi wanted him to, and if he could have gone back to change that, he would have. I should be comforted with that and should have accepted it, but didn't. After he apologized, I hesitated a moment before saying, "Thank you. But you're not the one I want an apology from."

We also mentioned my conversion. I can't do *anything* where I am now. Everyone on the damn planet knows that if they know me by now! Seriously... I can't convert until I get out of this college town. I do know, though, that I need a larger community where I can have a support system with others like me, and who understand the frustrataions I'm going through. The frustrations but also the good things, too, like unexpectedly finding others in my situation on whom I can rely and talk about things like this. He asked, "Why not take the bull by the horns?" Why not? I'll tell you why not? I can't. Not here.

I went off on my rant about how in 1944 Hitler didn't care, how it didn't matter to the Nazis. Everyone was shipped off, everyone. Secular Jews all the way down the most Orthodox: doctors, shopkeepers, rabbis. The Nazis did not care. Why the hell should it matter now? If time stopped right now, and everyone today could be in Europe, from Paris to Kiev, to Athens, Rome and Vilna, they would be deported. Everyone at Hillel would be on the trains, and most of them are secular. Why is it that a minor technicality matters now? J. let me rant but then said something to the effects of, how it didn't matter to the Nazis, but what about Halacha? There's something in Halacha that can't be changed. If there's a loophole (that's the wrong word, but it'll do for now), find and tell the Rabbinate that the law should be changed. I asked him what that thing was, since I don't know Hebrew, Modern or Biblical. He couldn't answer my question, but said maybe it's there.
Since it was late, he left and I went to my room, but was up almost until the sun came up, thinking about things. As it was, I got to lunch that afternoon an hour late...

This is a bit out-of-order, but something positive came out of this past week. Over Shabbos, I hung out with 2 people who are in the same situation as me, but are making it work. It was nice chatting with them. We bounched from topic to topic, and then got around to Taharat Hamishpacha. It makes sense to them, too, and they plan to follow it. Wow! I thought, They're like me and they think these laws are worth upholding, too! After I heard that, I told them that they now know me in a nutshell: languages, history, country X, fine arts, and Taharat Hasmishpacha. So if they know any guys who would be okay with that list, they should let me know! They both grinned and laughed and said that would keep their ears open for anything and let me know. :-)

I guess the week wasn't a total disaster. It sure seemed long enough though! Whew! I'm looking forward to Yom Kippur and seeing friends from undergraduate! Tuesday can't come soon enough!